Ear all, see all, say nowt. Eat all, sup all, pay nowt.

1. “Be reight.” – I’m so desperately sorry to hear of the awful time you’re going through, but I have faith and hope that things will sort themselves out.

2. “‘Ey up!” – How the devil are you, old friend?

3. “Yer brew’s mashin’.” – This exceedingly strong and exceptionally tasty cup of Yorkshire Tea will be with you shortly.

4. “It’s chuffin’ roastin’ out.” – It is March bank holiday and therefore I will not need my coat until October.

5. “Bagsy ‘avin a croggy!” – I’m now officially the first person to be allowed a ride on the back of your bicycle.

6. “‘Ow much?” – Do you really mean to tell me that I won’t get change from a tenner for this round?

7. “‘Eez int’bog.” – He’s visiting the lavatory at the present moment.

8. “That’s proper champion, that, lad.” – My dear child, I’ve frankly never been more proud of you.

9. “Gi’us a butty.” – Please may I have one of those delightful looking cheese-and-pickle sandwiches?

10. “Gi’us a chuddy.” – Please may I have some chewing gum? Those cheese-and-pickle sandwiches seem to have given me slightly putrid breath.

11. “Gi’or, yer too cack-‘anded.” – Look, just let me take over the preparation of this Yorkshire pudding mix, you’re frankly too clumsy to be trusted with it.

12. “I’m chuffed t’bits wi’ that.” – This is quite possibly the best news I’ve ever received.

13. “That ruddy whippet ‘as took me cap down snicket!” – I say, that darned stereotypical northern dog has taken off with my equally stereotypical choice of headgear down a narrow alleyway.

14. “Ahm fair t’middlin’.” – I’m not doing too badly, thanks.

15. “Ahm nobbut middlin’.” – I’m doing pretty badly, actually.

16. “‘E’s in fine fettle.” – He’s doing very well by all accounts – must have had a smashing trip to Skeggy.

17. “Tha’ knows.” – You understand, do you not?

18. “Tha’ll get a clip rahnd lug’oil if tha’ carries on like this.” – If you don’t stop with this fake Yorkshire accent nonsense, I’ll smack you in the head.

19. “Mind you visit yer nan this weekend, she’s getting reight mardy.” – Be sure to take the time to visit your grandma this weekend, she’s starting to get a bit annoyed with you.

20. “‘Appen ‘e’ll quit his mitherin’ if you buy ‘im a Landlord.” – Perhaps he’ll stop complaining so much if you get him a decent pint.

21. “Nah, ‘e’s allus mitherin’ about summat.” – That seems unlikely, he’s always complaining about something.

22. “Eeh, yer daft ha’peth.” – My god, you fool, you’ve made quite the mistake here.

23. “Stop nebbin’ in me diary, buggerlugs.” – Kindly stop prying into my private affairs, you idiot.

24. “Na’than thee, ‘ow’s tha’ lass?” – Why, hello, my friend, how the devil is your wife?

25. “Put wood in t’ole! Was tha’ born in a barn?” – Please shut the door. Where the dickens were you brought up that you think it’s OK to sit in a draft?

26. “Eeh, yer reight nesh.” – A draft? There’s no draft, you’re just a big southern softie who can’t handle a bit of cold.

27. “‘Ow do, my love?” – Why hello, m’lady.

28. “Tarra, ducky.” – I’m a bus driver/your grandmother/both, and I’m wishing you an affectionate farewell.

29. “There’s nowt s’queer as folk.” – People are truly, properly weird.

30. “‘Owt’s better than nowt.” – Well, it’s not quite the Sean Bean life-sized cutout I was hoping for, but I suppose this poster of him will do.

31. “‘E’s neither use nor ornament.” – That gentlemen serves quite literally no purpose on this earth.

32. “Where there’s muck, there’s brass.” – One can make a small fortune if one is willing to engage in dirty work.

33. “Did I ‘eckers like!” – Did I bunk off work to buy Def Leppard tour tickets? My god, of course not!

34. “Near as makes n’ matter.” – Well, it’s not quite a Yorkshire pudding of my mother’s standard, but let’s be real: All Yorkshire puddings are a thing of joy, so let’s not quibble.

35. “Eeh I’ll go t’foot of stairs!” – It’s snowing in May? My goodness, I’m really quite surprised by this turn of events.

36. “Eez nobbutta babbi.” – He’s only a small child, leave him be.

37. “Think on, soft lad.” – You’ll come to remember my advice one day, you foolish boy.

38. “That’s a threp in’t steans.” – Ain’t that a kick in the nuts.

39. “Sit thissen dahn, tha’s bin laikin all day.” – Sit down, you’ve been out playing all day and frankly, that can be exhausting.

40. “Ah reckon nowt ter that.” – I don’t think much of your advice to stop drinking after five pints. What the devil is wrong with you?

41. “‘E’s on pot duty.” – He’s doing the dishes tonight.

42. “And ahm ‘appy as a pig in muck.” – And I’m really quite pleased about that.

43. “Eeh, it’s black o’er Will’s mother’s.” – It looks like it’s about to piss it down over there.

44. “Wang it o’er.” – Please toss me that chunk of Wensleydale so that I can gnaw on it like an animal.

45. “It’s like Blackpool bloody illuminations in ‘ere.” – I am your father and it is my responsibility to remind that you have left one light on in the house.

46. “‘E’s soft int’ed.” – That young man isn’t especially smart.

47. “If tha’s ‘ad beef dripping for dinner tha’s not ‘avin’ a chippy tea.” – If you had a delicious hot midday meal, you’re certainly not being treated to chips for your evening meal.

48. “Tha’ meks a better door than window.” – Please could you get out of the way of the television so I can finish watching Corrie, you careless lump?

49. “‘E’s a reight bobby dazzler.” – Alex Turner really scrubs up nicely when he’s in a suit, no?

50. “‘Supwier?” – What the heck is wrong with that woman?

51. “Tin tin tin.” – That giant rocket firework you were planning to detonate? It’s not in the designated tin.

52. “Eeh by gum!” – I’m from London and I think I’m pretty funny right now.

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