If you’re a dad looking to restock on new material or someone just looking for some cheering up these one liners will see you through.
1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off
4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.
6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..
7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
10. There is no “i” in denial
11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.
18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.
20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did